Information for professionals working in the field of bereavement

Talking about death is seriously bad for your health…

Generally, people are encouraged to push away the pain instead of working through the pain. We want to put messages in bottles to raise understanding about bereaved children.

To add words to the unspeakable, thoughts to the unthinkable.

Do you need to talk to someone

Call Grief Encounter Project

020 8446 7452
info@griefencounter.org.uk

Alternatively you can contact the
Childhood Bereavement Network

020 7843 6309
cbn@ncb.org.uk

Here is an outline of some basic theory.

John Bowlby’s theory of attachment is helpful in understanding the behaviour of children following a loss, in understanding our own behaviour. One parent cannot be two, but they can provide ‘healthy’ attachments in order to help the child feel secure and grow healthily. Separation anxieties are usually prevalent. The child needs to have “a secure base” from which to explore. By thinking about patterns of attachment it may be easier to understand how best to help the child.

Donald Winnicott’s thoughts about ‘good enough’ mothering, impingement and his general writings are invaluable. He emphasises that we only have to be ‘good enough’ parents. None of us are perfect. If we can meet a baby’s needs, his fears will be contained and he learns to be alone in the presence of his mother/significant other. If he is not contained he may be overwhelmed by his fears. If over mothered, he may be prevented from getting in touch with his feelings (impingement). He may develop a ‘false self.’ This is where counselling may be very helpful; holding and containing are fundamental concepts to most therapeutic work. When you are bereaved yourself it is very hard to ‘hold and contain’ others.

Bruno Bettleheim helps us understand the importance of fairy tales to children. Children use stories to make sense of the difficult world around them, especially thinking about the concepts of good and evil. Stories may well help the child externalise bad feelings.

Virginia Axline emphasises the importance of play as a communication. Therapy with children is based on this premise; it may be helpful to take the child to someone outside to help them talk about and make sense of their feelings.

Daniel Stern has interesting ideas on child development, using the premise that a baby will emerge through realising he is a separate self, to discovering others and then reaching a verbal stage. Quite often, children will get stuck in one of these stages. Being aware of how early the bereaved child may be stuck in his development may well accelerate his progress to a more normal stage of development. Again, therapy is recommended.

Melanie Klein’s extensive work with children opened the door to ideas about child development. Her ideas about splitting and envy are seminal. Bereaved children often exhibit signs of splitting, for example; perfect (deceased) mother: wicked stepmother. An understanding of the envy of a normal family is more helpful than denial.

Daniel Goleman introduces us to the notions of emotional intelligence. Thinking about linking behaviour, feelings and thoughts can be enormously helpful with bereaved children. Divorcing thought and feeling is often a normal reaction to a traumatic event. His book Emotional Intelligence has been a great influence on this work.

Irvin Yalom is an existential psychotherapist whose basic premise is that life is based on four givens.

Reading list for adults

Grief in Children
Dyregov (1990) Jessica Kingsley
Theoretical book, but very clear and intelligent. Still one of the best around.

Grief and Bereavement... understanding children
Ann Couldrick (1998) from BACUP
Short, well written handbook.

Emotional Intelligence
D.Goleman (1995) Bloomsbury
Really interesting and useful ideas on how best to manage our emotions. Highly recommended.

Draw on Your Emotions
Margot Sutherland (1993) Speechmark
Broad based art therapy book for adults, focused on adult self awareness. Really good.

Good Grief
Barbara Ward and Associates (2002) Jessica Kingsley
Seminal collection of work, focusing on practicalities around many aspects of loss. Highly recommended especially for schools, though quite technical.

Motherless Daughters
Hope Edelman (1994) Bantham
How a bereaved child feels as an adult.

Raising Cain
Kindlon and Thompson (2000) Ballantine
Help with emotional literacy and teenage boys.

Snake Oil
John Diamond (2001) Vintage
Humour laced with reality.

Towards Emotional Literacy
Susie Orbach (1999) Virago
Intelligent writing on why we need to think about our feelings.

When Bad Things Happen to Good People
Harold Kushner (1982) Pan
Some find this a comforting book; life is random.

Tuesdays With Morrie
Mitch Albom ( 1997) Little Brown and Co.
Moving account of a man’s last days. A leveller.

If This Is A Man
Primo Levi (1987) Abacus
Some answers to how one survives in the face of atrocities. Brilliant.

Bibliotherapy for Bereaved Children
Eileen Jones (2001)
Interesting reference book for relevant fiction.

Childhood Bereavement – a guide for Schools
Nina Job and Gill Frances (2004) NCB Publications
New guide for schools.

Living When A Loved One Has Died
Earl Grollman (2002) Souvenir Press Ltd
Help in adults grief work.

Books available from:

Bookworm Ltd,
117 Finchley Road, NW11 OAN
Tel: 020 8201 9811

Worth Reading
PO Box 28863, London SW13 9YR
Tel: 020 8741 6555
www.worthreading.co.uk

UPDATING AND BUILDING UPON CONVENTIONAL THEORY

Upward spiral of grief

In much of today’s media, we meet the misguided idea of ‘stages of bereavement’ and the idea that we have to ‘pass through’ them to ‘acceptance.’

It is our idea to replace the idea of ‘stages’ with a picture of a spiral. The ‘Upward Spiral of Grief’ allows people to accept their feelings, to accept that these feelings may come back and that grieving is long term work.

For example, if 6 months after a loss, you still feel really tearful and sad one day, you may worry that there is something wrong with you.

However, you will be in a different place to that black hole in the beginning. Your feelings will be the same, but with less intensity. You will have moved around the spiral. You have moved on and made some adjustments.

By using this spiral we can alleviate the pressure of having to move on through the stages of bereavement. It may become less frightening to revisit these feelings time and time again. It does not mean that you have gone back to the black hole in the beginning.

The idea of acceptance can also be misleading. We prefer to replace it with the word ‘adjustment.’ If we bereaved are really honest, we rarely accept the loss. We learn to live with it; we change our life accordingly. But, accept? Hardly.

There is little doubt that we do share similar feelings following a bereavement, such as shock, despair, pining, denial, anger, fear, guilt, anxiety, relief, sadness. It is comforting to know that these feelings are ‘normal.’ However, over the course of time the idea of stages has become misunderstood. Some people feel under enormous pressure to ‘pass through’ these stages in order to ‘move on’ and accept their loss. We argue that it is more realistic to think of grieving in an upward spiral.

At Grief Encounter we aim to dispel these myths and give people the freedom to say that life will never be the same.

10 main needs of bereaved children:

To acknowledge that death is omnipresent
Need for structure
Need to tell story
Make sense of confusions with adult
To have their pain held
Help to find tools for managing
To fill some of the empty spaces
To possess facts
To feel cared for and understood
To find a new kind of normal

(see Grief Encounter Workbook, S Gilbert 2005)

What bereaved children want us to know

How can anyone think that its better to have lived 2 years
without a Dad than 1 year?
I’m angry at the world.
Its not the end of the world but it is.
It’s not all over in a day.
My childhood was over.
My whole life changed overnight.
I have to look after others.
I feel different.
I am so lonely.
I just don’t want to live in this sad house any more.
Will I see them again?
Can someone explain why?
I didn’t do enough.
It’s my fault.
I want to remember a time when there was no sadness around.
It’s not fair.
I feel guilty when I feel happy.
Everything is incomplete.
I can’t remember the feeling of having a Dad anymore.
I’m forgetting what he sounded like.
Too much is expected of me.
I don’t know what to do.
I had a shock when I heard myself laugh the other day.
People just don’t understand how hard the days are now.
One more hug?…

10 ways adults may help

Listen
Communicate
Provide information
Give them permission to grieve
Give them time and space
Bear their grief
Use Grief Encounter Workbook and other resources
Visit websites
Help them get outside help
Help them meet other bereaved children

Grief Encounter Support for Professionals

Keynote speakers for conferences
Tailor-made training for the workplace
Consultancy service
Workshops about bereaved children
Work placement opportunities
Telephone consultations
Up to date resource advice
General advice and information about bereavement


Parents and Carers Schools Professionals Please click one of the above for more specific information relating to your circumstance.		Talking about death is seriously bad for your health… Generally, people are encouraged to push away the pain instead of working through the pain. We want to put messages in bottles to raise understanding about bereaved children. To add words to the unspeakable, thoughts to the unthinkable. Call Grief Encounter Project 020 8446 7452 info@griefencounter.org.uk Alternatively you can contact the Childhood Bereavement Network 020 7843 6309 cbn@ncb.org.uk Here is an outline of some basic theory. John Bowlby’s theory of attachment is helpful in understanding the behaviour of children following a loss, in understanding our own behaviour. One parent cannot be two, but they can provide ‘healthy’ attachments in order to help the child feel secure and grow healthily. Separation anxieties are usually prevalent. The child needs to have “a secure base” from which to explore. By thinking about patterns of attachment it may be easier to understand how best to help the child. Donald Winnicott’s thoughts about ‘good enough’ mothering, impingement and his general writings are invaluable. He emphasises that we only have to be ‘good enough’ parents. None of us are perfect. If we can meet a baby’s needs, his fears will be contained and he learns to be alone in the presence of his mother/significant other. If he is not contained he may be overwhelmed by his fears. If over mothered, he may be prevented from getting in touch with his feelings (impingement). He may develop a ‘false self.’ This is where counselling may be very helpful; holding and containing are fundamental concepts to most therapeutic work. When you are bereaved yourself it is very hard to ‘hold and contain’ others. Bruno Bettleheim helps us understand the importance of fairy tales to children. Children use stories to make sense of the difficult world around them, especially thinking about the concepts of good and evil. Stories may well help the child externalise bad feelings. Virginia Axline emphasises the importance of play as a communication. Therapy with children is based on this premise; it may be helpful to take the child to someone outside to help them talk about and make sense of their feelings. Daniel Stern has interesting ideas on child development, using the premise that a baby will emerge through realising he is a separate self, to discovering others and then reaching a verbal stage. Quite often, children will get stuck in one of these stages. Being aware of how early the bereaved child may be stuck in his development may well accelerate his progress to a more normal stage of development. Again, therapy is recommended. Melanie Klein’s extensive work with children opened the door to ideas about child development. Her ideas about splitting and envy are seminal. Bereaved children often exhibit signs of splitting, for example; perfect (deceased) mother: wicked stepmother. An understanding of the envy of a normal family is more helpful than denial. Daniel Goleman introduces us to the notions of emotional intelligence. Thinking about linking behaviour, feelings and thoughts can be enormously helpful with bereaved children. Divorcing thought and feeling is often a normal reaction to a traumatic event. His book Emotional Intelligence has been a great influence on this work. Irvin Yalom is an existential psychotherapist whose basic premise is that life is based on four givens. Reading list for adults Grief in Children Dyregov (1990) Jessica Kingsley Theoretical book, but very clear and intelligent. Still one of the best around. Grief and Bereavement... understanding children Ann Couldrick (1998) from BACUP Short, well written handbook. Emotional Intelligence D.Goleman (1995) Bloomsbury Really interesting and useful ideas on how best to manage our emotions. Highly recommended. Draw on Your Emotions Margot Sutherland (1993) Speechmark Broad based art therapy book for adults, focused on adult self awareness. Really good. Good Grief Barbara Ward and Associates (2002) Jessica Kingsley Seminal collection of work, focusing on practicalities around many aspects of loss. Highly recommended especially for schools, though quite technical. Motherless Daughters Hope Edelman (1994) Bantham How a bereaved child feels as an adult. Raising Cain Kindlon and Thompson (2000) Ballantine Help with emotional literacy and teenage boys. Snake Oil John Diamond (2001) Vintage Humour laced with reality. Towards Emotional Literacy Susie Orbach (1999) Virago Intelligent writing on why we need to think about our feelings. When Bad Things Happen to Good People Harold Kushner (1982) Pan Some find this a comforting book; life is random. Tuesdays With Morrie Mitch Albom ( 1997) Little Brown and Co. Moving account of a man’s last days. A leveller. If This Is A Man Primo Levi (1987) Abacus Some answers to how one survives in the face of atrocities. Brilliant. Bibliotherapy for Bereaved Children Eileen Jones (2001) Interesting reference book for relevant fiction. Childhood Bereavement – a guide for Schools Nina Job and Gill Frances (2004) NCB Publications New guide for schools. Living When A Loved One Has Died *Earl Grollman (2002) Souvenir Press Ltd* Help in adults grief work. Books available from: Bookworm Ltd, 117 Finchley Road, NW11 OAN Tel: 020 8201 9811 Worth Reading PO Box 28863, London SW13 9YR Tel: 020 8741 6555 www.worthreading.co.uk UPDATING AND BUILDING UPON CONVENTIONAL THEORY Upward spiral of grief In much of today’s media, we meet the misguided idea of ‘stages of bereavement’ and the idea that we have to ‘pass through’ them to ‘acceptance.’ It is our idea to replace the idea of ‘stages’ with a picture of a spiral. The ‘Upward Spiral of Grief’ allows people to accept their feelings, to accept that these feelings may come back and that grieving is long term work. For example, if 6 months after a loss, you still feel really tearful and sad one day, you may worry that there is something wrong with you. However, you will be in a different place to that black hole in the beginning. Your feelings will be the same, but with less intensity. You will have moved around the spiral. You have moved on and made some adjustments. By using this spiral we can alleviate the pressure of having to move on through the stages of bereavement. It may become less frightening to revisit these feelings time and time again. It does not mean that you have gone back to the black hole in the beginning. The idea of acceptance can also be misleading. We prefer to replace it with the word ‘adjustment.’ If we bereaved are really honest, we rarely accept the loss. We learn to live with it; we change our life accordingly. But, accept? Hardly. There is little doubt that we do share similar feelings following a bereavement, such as shock, despair, pining, denial, anger, fear, guilt, anxiety, relief, sadness. It is comforting to know that these feelings are ‘normal.’ However, over the course of time the idea of stages has become misunderstood. Some people feel under enormous pressure to ‘pass through’ these stages in order to ‘move on’ and accept their loss. We argue that it is more realistic to think of grieving in an upward spiral. At Grief Encounter we aim to dispel these myths and give people the freedom to say that life will never be the same. 10 main needs of bereaved children: To acknowledge that death is omnipresent Need for structure Need to tell story Make sense of confusions with adult To have their pain held Help to find tools for managing To fill some of the empty spaces To possess facts To feel cared for and understood To find a new kind of normal (see Grief Encounter Workbook, S Gilbert 2005) What bereaved children want us to know How can anyone think that its better to have lived 2 years without a Dad than 1 year? I’m angry at the world. Its not the end of the world but it is. It’s not all over in a day. My childhood was over. My whole life changed overnight. I have to look after others. I feel different. I am so lonely. I just don’t want to live in this sad house any more. Will I see them again? Can someone explain why? I didn’t do enough. It’s my fault. I want to remember a time when there was no sadness around. It’s not fair. I feel guilty when I feel happy. Everything is incomplete. I can’t remember the feeling of having a Dad anymore. I’m forgetting what he sounded like. Too much is expected of me. I don’t know what to do. I had a shock when I heard myself laugh the other day. People just don’t understand how hard the days are now. One more hug?… 10 ways adults may help Listen Communicate Provide information Give them permission to grieve Give them time and space Bear their grief Use Grief Encounter Workbook and other resources Visit websites Help them get outside help Help them meet other bereaved children Grief Encounter Support for Professionals Keynote speakers for conferences Tailor-made training for the workplace Consultancy service Workshops about bereaved children Work placement opportunities Telephone consultations Up to date resource advice General advice and information about bereavement